A Quick Update on Life

Been a while since posting a decent writing here. I’m sorry (for myself) for this. I guess I can excuse myself by saying that I’ve been busy writing something somewhere else. You know. That thing. That particular thing. Skripsi, yes. But then I’m struck by the fact that ‘that thing’ is far from what I can call a ‘decent writing’. This just made me feel.. awful.

And now I got this random urge to write in English. This is rare.

So how’s life? I’ll write some thoughts that’s been kicking inside my head.

I kind of realize that I only have the present at hand. The rosy future that I’m longing is just.. in the future. The uncertain probabilities of some time ahead is what keeps me alive as a human, but I will never own it. Maybe it is rosy precisely because I don’t (and can’t) own it.

I’m feeling old.

I feel a significant decrease in level of self-efficacy. Especially academic self-efficacy. I lose (some portion of) faith for myself, for the subject I’ve been studying, and for ‘science’ in general. Ha ha? Four years ago, I imagined that I would happily, passionately pursue doctorate degree. Now, I don’t know. I’m not ready for any academic plan, yet.

I want to be a better person. By ‘better person’, I mean being more friendly, warm, and santun towards others. Four years ago I was known as sarcastic and merciless. I still find it hard to be all smiley, positive, and supportive, plus I’m still somewhat proud of my sharpie tendencies. But I’m working on it. I will balance it somehow. Hope so.

Since this is a quick update, I’m keeping it short. Maybe I’ll elaborate in other posts, later.

C’est ca. See ya.

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afina

the girl who struggle with the question, "Who am I?"

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