So it’s past 2 AM. I feel like I’m regressing to my high-school self: the me who wanted to stay as long as possible on ‘today’ and push the coming ‘tomorrow’ back. I take the awakening from night sleep as the marking of tomorrow, hence I avoid sleep altogether to delay tomorrow. It’s 3 nights in a row now. I don’t remember having these kind of nights on my college life. Or maybe I did, but not so often. As long as I remember, my darkest days on college were late 2012 (Suksesi days) and mid 2015 (skripsi). And at least then I could point some culprits for the gloominess, the haunting uneasiness.. But for these days.. I cannot.
I’m afraid that this means I’m stuck on this mental development phase and won’t be able to function well as a descent human adult. I’m afraid that this means I won’t be able to be a responsible caregiver for other human beings. I’m afraid that this means I’m not worthy.
I’m also afraid that this is just a drama I made up in my head for I don’t know what reason.
I take walks, I meet people, I eat food and sweets, still I don’t feel better. So if you have any technical suggestions about how to get pass this mental episode, please kindly let me know.